Harnessing Our Scars
Finding Strength and Forward Motion In Our Trauma
"None of us are without scars. Each of us carries life experiences that have the power to either make or break us."
Trauma isn't just a personal burden; it's woven into the very fabric of our shared human experience. Yet, despite this universal truth, we often avoid dissecting our own traumas to seek the wisdom hidden within these wounds or to openly discuss and reflect on them with one another.
A Note Before We Begin
I want to be clear: This isn’t a tale of 'overcoming' trauma or a prescription for healing. There are no universal solutions here. Trauma is deeply personal, and its effects ripple through our lives in complex, often invisible ways. Many are still peeling back the layers to understand how these experiences have marked them.
Perhaps all I aim to do here is to open the door to a conversation about growth from our trauma and pain. By offering a glimpse into my own journey raw, unfiltered, imperfect, and ongoing, my hope is for you to find inspiration for your own path of building, growing, and reflecting. In sharing my perspective, I hope to encourage you not to let trauma close you off from feedback or criticism. Instead, let them guide you to places you've only dreamed of reaching.A Business Built In Survival Mode
My life in this online business space has been about 90% survival. It began not out of ambition, but necessity and my primal need as a mother to survive. Every day was spent chasing the next way to pay rent and obtain necessities for my young family. It used to look more like unstructured chaos, luck, or chasing ‘one chance’ opportunities. Eventually, it started to become something more financially dependable, more consistent, something more obvious to those around me.
When friends and family started asking how I managed to find remote work and maintain clients, I struggled to answer. The truth was messy and complicated. There was no clear roadmap, no strategy beyond surviving to the next paycheck, the next project, the next opportunity. I was operating in spaces where I felt small and unprepared. There was nothing I could offer in those early days to help put others on the same path. I was constantly on the edge, accustomed to operating on the brink of failure, so much so that the only option seemed to be to keep moving. How was I supposed to invite anyone to join me in that or share what I was learning with others?
It was a trauma response for me to stay in motion, to leap into the next task, and to incessantly seek feedback or clarity in order to continue this forward motion. It felt like barreling down a hill; I believed that pausing, even briefly, would cause more strain and pain than the financial discomfort I was already enduring.
The Messy Beginnings
My earliest business lessons were harsh, learned in childhood in the demanding arena of my parents' company, where criticism flowed freely and expectations were high, with no one clearly illustrating or communicating what 'success' was. As part of my homeschooling, I was expected to identify problems, analyze failures, and propose solutions, often without the full context needed to succeed. These experiences, though challenging, laid the foundation for my current approach to feedback and growth.
Looking back, I now recognize that what were labeled as 'failures' were actually crucial learning moments in business, shaped by circumstances beyond my control. At the time, no one highlighted the growth opportunities these challenges presented. Instead, they were often overshadowed by my parents' emotional reactions to their legitimate business struggles, along with a tendency to project blame and shame. This understanding has profoundly transformed how I approach professional relationships and process feedback today.
During the early days of my business, my history with rejection and conditional acceptance typically had me perpetually braced for the worst, yet constantly hungry for feedback about how to improve. At times, I would use it as ammo to poison myself. Proof that I wasn’t enough, that I was an imposter who would never achieve what I was striving so desperately for. It served as a painful reminder that I was trying to find my place in a world where I felt I didn’t belong. It took a deliberate shift in mindset and perspective to begin using the feedback constructively. Now, I focus on extracting value from each experience, viewing them not as setbacks but as stepping stones to future success.
Giving Up Here Wasn’t Really An Option
Be it desperation or determination, those first few years of business, with young kiddos at home and rent coming due again, I kept showing up. I kept taking the meetings. I began allowing clients to steer me in clearer directions, being transparent about what I could and couldn't manage. This vulnerability created unexpected alliances and partnerships in my success. I became known as someone who would try to figure things out for others. The more I shared openly and authentically, the more I realized I had valuable knowledge and experiences to offer my clients, and they deeply valued my honesty.
Before I knew it, I had built a strong network that became a driving force in my growth. Each interaction, each piece of feedback became less of a personal critique and more of a guidepost to better-aligned opportunities. This wasn't just professional evolution; it was personal healing, teaching me to distinguish between factors within my control and those without.
Perfection Cannot Be The Goal
Let me be candid: This journey hasn't always been pretty. Some of these experiences have been had while building things in a McDonald's parking lot in the middle of the night because I couldn't afford to pay for internet or even electricity at certain points in my journey. I've missed precious moments with my children. I've watched friendships fade as I built this life. This isn't about achieving perfection or becoming trauma-free; it's about learning to move forward while carrying our scars.
For those of you exploring this path, whether you're seasoned veterans or just starting out, here’s a bit of wisdom from my journey:
Stay Curious and Embrace Growth: Continuously explore new knowledge and experiences, even those that seem intimidating or outside your comfort zone. Venturing beyond what’s familiar can reveal some very unexpected opportunities (I know it sure has for me!)
Define Your Titles and Scope: As you pick up new skills and tackle different tasks, remember to update your job title so it truly reflects the work you’re doing and the people you want to impress. Holding onto an outdated title doesn’t help you or those you aim to serve. Take a moment to think about the services you provide and identify what that role would typically be called. Are you doing the heavy lifting of a Content Strategist but still labeled as an Personal Assistant? It’s time to claim the title you deserve. Getting your role right not only lets you own your career story but also ensures you’re recognized and paid appropriately for your efforts.
Don’t Take It Personally: Treat feedback as both a compass and a form of kindness, rather than as criticism or cruelty. This shift in perspective lets you use constructive insights to better align your actions with your strengths and passions, fostering resilience and promoting self-growth. Remember, feedback is more about your work in a specific context and less about you as a person… it's guidance, not judgment. Some of the most empowering conversations I've had with my clients involved them pointing out where I missed the mark. Since I’ve always welcomed feedback and have been transparent about my skills and experience, these conversations have been collaborative and motivating, helping me progress to the next level. They aren’t situations where parties are leaving feeling disappointed or let down. (Okay, fine. I will be real. This hasn't always been easy for me. There were times I took things too personally and ended up hurting my own feelings and turning into a big old sulky baby and taken way longer than I should have to get out of my head. But looking back, I'm truly grateful for my ability to quickly bandage up and keep moving forward.)
Recognize and Harness Your Power: As I began doing a variety of tasks, I found myself naturally dedicating more time and effort to the activities I was good at and truly enjoyed. This is about empowering yourself by recognizing your inner strength and potential for impact. Once you understand your capabilities, you can dismantle feelings of helplessness brought on by trauma and replace them with a confident, proactive approach to life’s challenges. So yes, I'm a bossy little know-it-all with a big heart—and guess what? Now, I get paid to be just that. 😉
Reframe Rejection as an Opportunity: Think of each 'no' not as an endpoint but a turning point. Rejection isn’t just about doors closing; it’s about learning and tweaking your strategy, which is crucial for growth. Viewing setbacks as chances to sharpen your skills shows that real progress is about sticking it out, not just getting it perfect. My biggest takeaway about rejection? People really value someone who operates with their best interests at heart. For me, rejection in this business is usually straightforward and unemotional. I stay upfront about what I can do, where I excel, and where I'm still growing. This honesty lets people clearly decide if I’m the right match for them. Being clear about who you are and how you work is helpful, but truly, honesty has been my greatest ally here.
We shouldn't let trauma set our boundaries. The echoes of past experiences don't have to box us in. By reshaping our need for validation into a positive force for growth, we find the clarity to successfully navigate both our professional and personal lives. It's about understanding what we can change, identifying what we should change, and having the wisdom to distinguish between the two.
"We cannot let trauma be our full stop. The fears and haunting voices in our heads don't have to be our prison walls."
This is your journey. Make it count. 🫶